I find myself at the end of things often. Not sure if completing them is what I want to do or have the energy to do. This plays out in just about every area of my life. For example:
- We run out of paper towels. I debate for weeks the decision to buy more or be more environmentally friendly and using more cloth. But sometimes paper towel is so much easier!
- I do a lot of talking at work (during certain parts of my job). I come to the end of a meeting with a new or potential ministry volunteer and I have a hard time stopping the sharing. Just one more story. Just one more idea. I just want to tell them one more thing. (sometimes people laugh and me, or look at me with that expression that says- wow, that was a lot of information. I take their cue and close in prayer.)
- I came to the airport early today for a flight, but at the last minute decided to use the airport restroom instead of plane one. Ew. However, when I returned to the gate, everyone had boarded, they took my name off the list and gave up my seat (or so they said). Thankfully they found a seat, ironically right next to the bathroom on the VERY LAST ROW, aisle seat, which meant that everyone who needed to go on the plane leaned against MY seat while I quietly tried to read and mourned the loss of a cozy middle seat in the middle of the plane next to my friend. That ending I was very happy to have, but I wished it had turned out a bit differently
- This morning when I said goodbye to my kids I was okay with our time ending. Tonight while I watched my daughter cry on facetime (maybe we shouldn’t have face timed), I felt a twinge of sadness. Notice I said twinge. But while on the plane I was thinking of all the things I would do differently to love my kids, be more patient and forgiving and gentle with them, when I returned. I’m coming back a changed mama!
- I got to my 5 minute bang trim appointment yesterday 15 minutes late. I rushed in out of breath and apologetic. It really wasn’t a big deal, but I said something cliche like “story of my life I’m always late” (Which technically isn’t true. I’m only sometimes late, otherwise I’m usually right on time. And not often early)
- I’m aiming to finish some reading for a class I am taking (that starts tomorrow) and I just keep getting distracted by other things (FB, blog, twitter, instragram, pandora, facetime, etc.)…I can’t quite finish!
I guess what I have been reflecting on today is that everything has a beginning and an end. I am not always great at endings. They tend to be messy, sloppy, sometimes I doubt my choices or thoughts, or words, and while I find myself imagining others in life have these wonder polished endings, complete articulate sentences, well-managed schedules, quick decision makers- there are probably a lot of other people out there like me.
One final story about my struggle with endings and I’ll stop here. I signed a Youversion Bible reading plan for January, to read the Psalms and Proverbs in 31 days. I’ve done it before and I was really looking forward to this somewhat short term goal, easy to accomplish and finish, right? Psalms and Proverbs are so life-giving and encouraging…yeah I’m a week or so behind. But I’m pressing on. I’m not giving up. I might be late. I might be scattered or disheveled or flustered. But I’m here. And I’m listening. God, I am listening.